I stepped out of the car and shut the door only to realize that I had left my keys in the ignition.  What are the consequences if I leave them in there?  I reach back in, slide them out, shut the door and lock it.   Does any of this matter?  I lift up my head and take in my surroundings.  It seems that I’ve parked off by myself, there are no cars within ten spaces of me.  I extend my right foot and begin to walk.  One foot in front of the other.  My normally swift walk has turned into something slower than a leisurely stroll.  I walk with no purpose.

I know this place well, I’ve practically lived here for the last 6 months.  I know I can’t work up a smile for the receptionist so I walk with my head down as I count my steps to the elevator.  The third floor is as always a beehive of activity.  Why do they even try?  My courage escapes me and I duck into the bathroom.  I splash cold water on my face, but I go out of my way to not look in the mirror.  I know I won’t like what I see ( or what I won’t see, would I even be there?).   I breathe deeply and sit/lean on the sink counter with my back to the mirror.  The door handle rattles but I’m not ready to leave.  Is pain the price of Love?

My trip down the hall is uneventful as I continue to stare at the floor.  I reach the door.  Its partially closed and I enter without knocking, after all, this room is as much mine as it was hers.  The couch I had pulled out to sleep on is moved back against the wall, yesterdays accumulation of clutter has been removed.    The blinds are wide open and the curtains are pulled leaving the room bright white with light.  I pull the overstuffed chair next to the bed.  I sit and hold her hand.  In the past,  I have sat like this all day, expecting her to rouse at any minute.    She would wake and tell me how much she Loves me and I would say the same to her.  We would embrace and everything would be easy from then on.  That didn’t happen, she doesn’t wake.  I stroke her hand and tears stream down my face.  Today is the day I let her go.

Life without death is is impossible.  Something is ending within us all.  I’m feeling myself disintegrate.

The Flaming Lips-Feeling Yourself Disintegrate